


Cultural Differences

by AllThingsGeeky



Category: Iron Man (Movies), Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Ficlet, Male Desperation, Medieval, Omocute, Omorashi, Peter Parker is a Mess, Tony Stark acting as Peter Parker’s parental figure, author has a deathly allergy to proofreading, male omorashi, pee desperation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-25
Updated: 2020-10-25
Packaged: 2021-03-08 19:55:40
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,328
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27192038
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AllThingsGeeky/pseuds/AllThingsGeeky
Summary: Peter isn’t a fan of certain Asgardian customs
Comments: 17
Kudos: 48





	Cultural Differences

So the Avengers had been collectively invited to attend a banquet after their most recent victory- though Thor was adamant it was just an excuse for his mother to check up on him. Either way they accepted and it was every bit as amazing as Peter thought it would be. As soon as he arrived he was blown away; all the buildings were made of gold, their architecture ornate and in some cases defying physics. They were beautiful and Peter had a strong urge to scale them but he thought better against that- at last until he was given permission that was. 

He had to stick close to Tony, of course, but all the people he interacted with were extremely friendly and  _ extremely tall.  _ Peter had figured Thor was an outlier in his size but some of the God’s friends even towered over  _ him.  _ In fact it seemed Thor may be one of the shortest members of his family, though no one dared to comment on that. They all bore a striking resemblance too, even those who didn’t share the same pigment were of the same build and most certainly the same temperament. Everyone was loud and bubbly and the high spirited situation accounted for that accordingly. 

And the food.  _ Good god the food _ \- Asgardians really knew how to eat, and eat they did. The only people Peter had ever met who could rival his super stomach, and Thor’s for that matter- even a few of his friends managed to out eat the god. Everything tasted amazing, even the stuff Peter had been initially scared to try since he had no idea what it was (nor did he ask, a. because he was scared of being rude and b. he was frightened of the answer). He also got to drink out of this cool chalice thing that looked like one of the props he and Ned used in their D&D games, which made him feel very important. The staff waiting on his every hand and foot made him slightly uncomfortable though, especially when every time he took a sip from his goblet one of the servants was there to fill it up again. 

Drinking had been an issue in itself, since apparently the legal drinking age in Asgard was far younger than it was on earth. He was offered alcohol several times to which Tony  _ freaked out-  _ until Thor assured him that one of the wines they were offering was non-alcoholic and not to fret. 

The non alcoholic ‘honey-suckle wine’ was slightly carbonated, and certainly tasted nothing like May’s Chardonnay that Peter had accidentally sipped one Christmas. It was sweet and fruity, almost floral, but he couldn’t put down the flavour to anything he’d tasted before. Whatever it was, it was delicious, so he ended up drinking pints of the stuff. Well, at least he thought he did, but it was hard to tell how much he’d drank when he never got to finish a full glass before it was topped up again. Which made him really uncomfortable for two reasons; he didn’t like being waited on like that and he didn’t realise how much he was drinking until he  _ felt it.  _

Squirming slightly in his seat he made a consious effort not to sip anymore of the sticky sweet liquid, however tantalising it was. He didn’t want to have to get up and go during the banquet and interrupt; even though with the amount of chatter filling the hall he doubted anyone would notice him slipping away anyway. He had a thing about getting up in the middle of things at the best of times but he thought it was an unspoken rule during banquets not to go to the bathroom. He thought it would be rude. 

But it was getting bad really quickly and he looked to Tony for help. Only the man offered none. 

Though Tony recognised his mentees facial expression he’d only been to Asgard a few times himself and he wasn’t exactly familiar with where the facilities were, having never had to use them. So Tony shrugged and looked to Thor who Peter was seated next to. At first Peter thought Tony was punishing him for not sitting next to him instead; but then he realised the man just didn’t know. That and lately he’d been trying to encourage Peter to ask where bathrooms were on his own, at least with their other housemates. 

So Peter resigned himself to the fact that he was going to have to ask. He didn’t mind too much, since it wasn’t only Thor, he just wanted to wait for a more opportune moment when the god wasn’t the centre of attention. Which unfortunately took a lot longer than Peter had expected. 

The meal went on for ages- which gave Peter enough time to build up the courage to ask where the restrooms were but that was also more than enough time for his bladder to fill to the brim. He was practically bursting at the seams by the end of the second course and there were still several more to go. He was really regretting guzzling so much ‘wine’ and he was regretting not using the bathroom one last time before leaving the ship; he’d just been so excited and left in a hurry. Having to watch everyone else’s glasses he refilled certainly wasn’t helping keep his mind off his need to pee either- especially when one of Thor’s friends kept continuously spilling their cup whilst making wild hand gestures when recounting their stories. 

Tony caught his eye a couple times, nodding towards Thor, trying to encourage Peter to ask; but Peter shook his head. The man sighed at him, but he knew Peter wouldn’t take kindly to him asking for him in front of everyone. And as much as he hated it, he had to accept that he wouldn’t always be there to help Peter out. So he kept an eye on him, ready to step in should the wiggling grow too desperate, but he didn’t say anything, letting Peter handle it for himself. 

Which thankfully he did. When the banquet  _ finally  _ finished Peter whispered to Thor as they all stood up, so no one would overhear; having to tug on his cape to get his attention. “Uhm..Thor?” 

The blond looked surprised at first, having been mid conversation with his loud friends, hearing Peter’s small voice chiming in was an unexpected contrast. He soon whipped around and saw his youngest companion standing behind him, red faced and sheepish. He crouched down slightly to hear him better in the loud room. “Are you alright youngling?”

“Yeah it’s just Uhm..wh-where are the bathrooms?” Peter managed to force himself to say. When he glanced at Tony for reassurance the man was giving him a thumbs up to congratulate him on the massive step. 

“Oh goodness, I’m sorry little one I should have shown you earlier.” Thor said apologetically, grimacing with guilt. He realised that he hadn’t given Peter an opportunity to pee since they’d left the ship and honestly that was an excessive amount of time in Peter-Pee-Time. All he’d shown the team were their rooms and the way to the dining hall, he hadn’t even thought to give anyone the chance to go before they seated for dinner- mainly because he was starving. He wordlessly led the boy from the hall, hand on his shoulder and took him to one of the side rooms. “It’s just through there, child.”

“Thank you.” Peter sighed gratefully as he skidded into the room. But a few seconds later he sounded decidedly less relieved, as he called through the door. “Uhm- Thor?!”

“What’s wrong?” Thor called back instantly on alert. 

But Peter’s tone changed once again, trying to brush off his outburst. “There's no..it’s just...Uhm..n-nothing..”

Thor frowned, sounding unsure as he closed back; “Are you sure little one?”

“I’m sure! I-I’ll uh- I’ll just meet you back there!” Peter said, hoping Thor would take the hint and walk away before he was forced to explain what was wrong. 

“Alright...be sure to ask someone for help if you lose your way.” Thor said as he walked away. He felt unsure leaving the boy at first but he figured he felt pressured or didn’t want to risk the god hearing him relieve himself; so he made himself scarce to give Peter some privacy. 

But privacy wasn’t the issue. 

After a while Tony had noticed the boy's absence and grown concerned, so he took it upon himself to go and retrieve him. He was praying the kid hadn’t broken some ancient artifact or been cursed by one- they didn’t need a repeat of last time when Clint wandered into the wrong room. As he walked down the hall he thought Thor had led Peter too he heard a hiss come from behind one of the doors. He turned around to see a red faced Peter sticking his head around the corner. “Pssst!”

“What’re you doing-“

“Not so loud!” Peter whisper-yelled, glancing nervously to either side of them. 

“Did you break something?” Tony squinted at him, recognising the look of panic though he initially misunderstood what was causing it. When Peter shook his head no he noticed the boy was still squirming like he had been at dinner. “Why haven’t you peed?”

“Because there’s no toilet!” Peter hissed. 

Tony frowned. “What?” 

Peter opened the door a little wider and pointed to the offending sphere. “There’s just, like, a little bowl thing! I can’t go in that!”

Sure enough, that was the problem. A chamber pot. 

The room was ornate enough, just like the rest of the castle. It was lined with marble floors and walls with a large golden basin and an uncomfortably large mirror; it was every bit built for the comfort of a modern Asgardian- just not, it seemed, for the modern midgardian teenager due to its distinct lack of a toilet. In the centre of the room sat nothing but a small gold chamber pot, another with an accompanying bench sat at the other end but neither looked particularly appropriate for Peter’s use- well, according to the boy that was. 

“Why not, that’s what they’re made for?” Tony asked, though he already knew the reason. 

Was Tony insane?! That thing didn’t even  _ resemble  _ a toilet! And sure Peter understood that they didn’t have indoor plumbing but couldn’t they have at least made it  _ look  _ like they did?! Besides- chamber pots meant that there had to be  _ chambermaids.  _ “Because that means someone has to come and clean it up- I can’t do that!”

“Wouldn’t be the first time-“

_ “Hey!”  _

“Would you rather they have to clean your clothes and the floor?” Tony laughed airily, which earned him a glare; but he wasn’t laughing because he thought it was funny. He was laughing because even he hadn’t considered the absurd situation and he really should have, if he had he would have made double sure Peter went before they left the ship and he wouldn’t have agreed to an overnight stay. The boy's specifications for what was an acceptable place to relieve himself had completely slipped his mind; which by now he really  _ really  _ should have been more conscious of. “I don’t know what you want me to do about it, kid.”

“Fix it!” Peter whimpered as he bounced up and down. That was Tony’s job after all. He was the resident fixer- both of technological problems and Peter problems. 

But just as Tony was about to explain that as amazing as he was, he couldn’t conjure up indoor plumbing, Thor came down the hallway again. “Ah there you are! So you didn’t get lost after all.”

Tony sighed and turned to the god to find a solution. “Thor do you have any-“

“No Tony don’t!” Peter squeaked. 

But Thor persisted, knowing from experience to ignore the boy's pleas. Obviously he needed something and for whatever reason was unable to express it himself, so best to ignore him and let Tony broach the subject instead. “Any what?”

“Princess Peter here isn’t a fan of the piss pot.” Tony rolled his eyes, sticking a thumb over his shoulder at the boy huddled behind the door. 

“ _ Oh.  _ Youngling is that what you were going to ask me earlier?” Thor asked, surprisingly understanding. Peter was clearly furious that Tony said anything but there wasn’t much else to be done- so he nodded shyly. “I know it’s a little different for you but it’s quite alright. It’s sanitary, they’re changed frequently.”

“That’s the problem.” They brunettes said at the same time in different tones. 

Thor’s frown deepened. “I don’t understand.”

But Peter didn't have time to keep explaining- Had Thor not seen how much he drank at dinner? He was still hidden behind the door so he felt safe to desperately grab himself in order to keep the impending flood at bay. “I don’t like the idea of someone else having to clean up my pee okay! It’s weird and I just- I can’t do it! It’s a metal bowl for Christ’s sake, you guys have marble floors, it’s gonna be super loud and I just- I can’t-  _ I need a toilet!” _

Thor wanted to argue his point that it was okay to use the chamber pot for its intended purpose- but instinct told him that Peter was not about to give in- that and they didn’t have enough time to discuss the matter any further. He too recognised how frantic Peter’s movements had become. He knew the signs. “The best I can offer you is an outhouse little one, but they’re far less pleasant-“

“Do they involve someone else having to..you know- deal with it?” Peter asked, still bouncing foot to foot, all the talk about peeing was wreaking havoc on his small bladder. 

“No it’s literally just a hole in the ground and a-“

“That’ll do.” Peter nodded, slipping out of the bathroom and waiting for Thor to take him there. He didn’t need more explanation and he certainly didn’t want to know the details- lest they make the situation worse. He just wanted somewhere private. “That one, please.” 

“Alright then, follow me.” 

Tony sighed and followed along too, making sure to grab his jacket off of the rack by the door. It was cold outside but he was more conscious of the fact that Peter may need something to wrap around his waist in the near future, if the outhouses weren’t up to par. 

The thing about castles is they have a lot of stairs. No lifts. No asking JARVIS if he could speed up said lifts. Just stairs- and stairs aren’t the best mode of transport when one has a bladder far surpassed its capacity with crazy alien wine. 

“Mm- Thor how much longer?” Peter whined impatiently as they descended the never ending staircase down into the courtyard. 

“Not much farther now, though I must say it’ll only take longer if you keep pausing.” Thor said as delicately as he could when Peter stopped to cross his legs  _ again.  _

“It’s pauses or puddles Blondie, take your pick.” Tony sighed irritably giving Thor a  _ ‘shut the fuck up’ _ look. He was half dragging half carrying Peter now since the stairs were almost too much for his poor bladder; but once they were on flat ground again Peter sped up, almost ahead of them. 

“Where is it?” The boy asked anxiously, looking down the marbled hall at the various doorways- though Thor’s eyeline was trailed towards the large glassless windows. 

Then Peter’s heart sank when Thor pointed towards said windows. “Outside just past those tree-“

_ “Outside?” _

“Yes Peter, clues in the name-  _ out _ house.” Tony snorted, watching the boy’s face flush pale. 

Peter looked utterly horrified. “You mean like in Shrek?”

Thor nodded and, despite the situation, he was smiling since he knew the reference. “Yes! Just like in Shrek.”

Peter grimaced since he now knew without a doubt that it was going to be gross but- well he grew up in New York. He was pretty sure the outhouses weren’t nearly as bad as the public restrooms he’d had to face in his time. So once he was brought over to the small wooden building he didn’t hesitate to dart inside. The only thing was the door didn’t have a lock. 

Peter poked his head out of the shack, looking over to his resident fixer again. “Uhm..Tony?”

“What now?” The darker haired man sighed and walked over. He and Thor had stood away from the door since Peter hated people hearing him pee; but he ought to have known he’d be summoned again. 

“Can you hold the door, please?” Peter asked shyly. He asked Tony as opposed to Thor since he was the only one who knew how to do it right. He’d had to do it for him countless times before, so he knew to hold the door shut with his foot then block his ears. As soon as Tony had assumed the position Peter squeaked out a quick; “Thank you!” 

Peter was really happy it didn’t make much of a noise, but he had to make a concerted effort to ignore his surroundings in order to-  _ finish  _ the process. After a few minutes he stepped back outside, grimacing slightly but ultimately looking super relieved. 

“Feel better little one?” Thor smiled brightly once he noted that Tony’s jacket wouldn’t be needed for a cover up after all. 

“You have no idea.” Peter sighed contentedly, before he shuddered, both in relief and due to the cold. Rolling his eyes again Tony wrapped his jacket around his shoulders. “Thank god for outhouses.”

“Don’t you mean thank Odin?” Thor teased.

“Uhh I don’t know if your dad would appreciate being thanked for the creation of toilets?”

Thor shrugged. “Why not, they’re a very functional thing.”

“Speaking of- chamber pots are way more functional. Don’t think I’m trotting your ass down here in the middle of the night, Parker, it’s freezing.” Tony said grumpily, feeling safe to chastise the boy a bit now that the emergency was over and he was no longer upset. 

“I don’t need you to! I know where it is now!” Peter cried indignantly. 

“Oh yeah? Then who’s gonna hold the door for you?” Tony asked, smirking when Peter’s face fell. “That’s what I thought, so you better be nice to me huh?”

“Child do you really think you’ll be unable to use the pot?” Thor asked gently. He’d bore witness to how desperate Peter got in the middle of the night, often narrowly avoiding wetting the bed by mere seconds of consciousness. There was no way he’d be able to get outside that quick. “They’re rather convenient in..emergencies.”

But Peter continued to look insulted by the insinuation. “I won’t have any emergencies.”

“What do you call that then? A walk in the park?” Tony gestured to the field around them. 

Peter huffed and stomped his foot. “Only because I didn’t know where I was going!” 

“What about when you wake up?” Tony said, all three of them knowing what he meant and Peter looked positively furious that he brought it up.

“I’ll be  _ fine.”  _ He hissed through gritted teeth. He hated when Tony used such personal information against him, even in this case when he was most likely right. But Peter was adamant that he’d be fine. He’d promised himself he wasn’t going to drink any more honey-suckle wine before bed and now he knew where the Peter-Safe bathroom was in. “I’m not a little kid Tony, I’m Spider…”

The boy trailed off, looking up towards the castle. He noticed that there from the courtyard he could see the window to the room he’d be staying in from there. 

Thor and Tony both looked at him, seeing the wheels turning in his head. “No.”

“But the walls not that high I can totally-“

_ “No.” _

**Author's Note:**

> Alternative title: Chamber Pot Problems 
> 
> (I hath still managed to completely break my account so I can’t see any interactions with comments and such- I’m tryna fix it I don’t know how I’ve managed to do this 😅 so apologies if I don’t reply in a timely fashion!)


End file.
